Sex and the kiddies

by Kylie Ladd

The shift from couple to family brings change in many areas: financial, career, lifestyle. Perhaps the largest however are in the area that started it all in the first place. From sleepless nights of passion to well, just sleepless nights, here’s your guide to sex after children.

Preconception

Frequency: Lots and lots. More, in fact, than you will ever have again. Ever.
Foreplay: Candlelit dinners, long lingering glances, intense discussions over a bottle of wine.
He says: “God, you’re beautiful”
She thinks: “Twice in one night? Is that all?”
Contraception: The pill, diaphragm, condoms. Lots of them.

Pregnancy

Frequency: In inverse proportion to morning sickness and/or girth.
Foreplay: Attending antenatal classes (all that massage and deep breathing, you know).
She thinks: “I am a bountiful goddess, a ship in full sail, gravid with the seed of my man.”
He says: “Whoa, you’re getting BIG!”
Contraception: Gloriously unnecessary.

0-6 months

Frequency: Once. Maybe. In the whole six months.
Foreplay: Anything involving lots of KY jelly.
He says: “Gee, breastfeeding sure has improved your, um, skin.”
She thinks: “Owwwwwww!”
Contraception: Fatigue and stiches.

6-12 months

Frequency: Regular. That is, once in a blue moon.
Foreplay: No time if anything is to happen before one or both of you are asleep.
He says: “Yes, of course you’ve lost all the weight”
She thinks: “But mostly from my boobs, damn it”
Contraception: Crossing of fingers (and usually legs)

Toddlerhood

Frequency: Only in the mornings- you’re up so early anyway.
Foreplay: Removing trucks, biscuits and children from the bed.
He says: “Don’t you think it’s time we tried for another?”
She thinks: “What would we want to do that for?”
Contraception: The rhythm method: getting it over before The Wiggles’ tape has finished.

Primary School

Frequency: Weekends and holidays, but never on a school night.
Foreplay: Watching ER (particularly effective before George Clooney left).
He says: “What the … no, Daddy can’t play now… well, he’s playing with Mummy… no, it’s a grown-ups game…. yes, it has made Mummy hot…. yes, that’s probably why she’s taken off her clothes… No! NO! Stay right there!”
She thinks: “We must get a lock for that door.”
Contraception: Incidents like the above.

Teenage

Frequency: Never, at least as far as your children are concerned. People that old couldn’t possibly still have sex.
Foreplay: Both of you being in bed at the same time and not out driving children around.
He says: “God, you’re still beautiful.”
She thinks: “Twice in one week? Is he mad?”
Contraception: Lying there worrying that your kids are doing the same thing.

 

© Kylie Ladd